The Firsts

Recently completing my own, and seeing so many others going through theirs as I scrolled through FaceBook today, it needs to be said: That year of firsts ain’t no joke. You feel every day and research every memory. You find out you don’t need a birthday and holiday to miss them more. You think on every “last moment,” and remember every “last year this happened.” Songs have different meanings, pictures matter more as they hurt and make you smile all at the same time. You yearn for evidence they’re close, and pray for a sign to know they’re near. You beg them to visit you in your dreams, and sometimes even when they do, you can’t even recall the dream, you only know because your heart does. You struggle every day to accept your new reality, to accept what is real, and all the while denying that it exists and wishing life made sense again. You find ways to cope with your pain, some helpful and some not so much. But all the while knowing that no matter how much you remember, no matter how much you reminisce, no amount of photos or videos will fix your pain or mean as much as their presence. And them triggers…a place, a phrase, a song, a sound, a smell, a flower, a symbol, a store, a meal, hearing their name, missing your routine, expected or unexpected they hit hard, and sometimes too hard. Unfortunately, after the firsts are the seconds, the thirds, the 5ths, the 7ths, the 10ths, the 20ths, and every year inbetween and every year after.

Sometimes you forget how much grief is a part of the holidays until you’re grieving. The diff between regular days and holidays is often the heaviness. Because it’s a day you knew you would have at least talked to them or seen them, and that’s when you’re reminded even more that their presence is absent. But you breathe, you cry and have “your moments” especially depending on what that day triggers. And hopefully you find some smiles at some point or another and somehow manage to get through the day.

I always say Grief is an untamed beast. It shows up when it wants and how it wants and it doesn’t ask permission. But it is also the balance of peace and pain. Splitting into 2 people, one that smiles, functions and has to keep living some resemblance of life and the other that holds to the days past, that thinks carefully when someone says how are you, that some days really wants to say I’m still in pain, but you feel like it’s best to say you’re fine. It’s one that wants to be strong and the other that when people ask, do you need anything, you really want to respond with yeah, I need my life to be normal again. One that tries to celebrate and be happy at the holidays but one that wonders if someone will say their name or get weird if you do. One part that’s trying to make them proud, and the other part that just wants to fall apart.

To those of you who are going through your firsts, I pray you have some smiles to go with your tears, and that even if you don’t, that you know that’s okay, too! I pray the people around you are patient and understand your pain and that when you hurt the most, that you also feel loved. To those of you who are going through your second or your 22nd, in between and beyond, I pray you remember them even if no one else does, that you think of them fondly and if you want to, say their name and talk about them rather anyone else mentions them or not. I pray that you are able to navigate through your grief whether anyone acknowledges it or not. I pray you create new memories and think about the special ones of the past. I pray you find joy, even in the midst of whatever pain the days or holidays seem to bring. But most of all I pray, that you not only feel their love all around you, but that through it all, you feel His love all around you, every single day!

The holiday season triggers something in all of us, rather you dwell on your last or wonder if it will be your last. And if your pain is heavier than your peace, I pray God keeps you. I pray you get a much needed hug, a shoulder to cry on, a quiet moment to grieve alone or even some sign from your loved one that they’re with you and thinking of you, too! As my cousin told me a couple of weeks ago, it doesn’t get easier, but it will get better. And I pray it does, for all of us! #griefthoughts#griefandloss#griefjourney